Home > Library > Guest Speaker Chats > Mike Lew and Male Survivors
Healing for Male Survivors of Sexual Assault
- Chat Transcript
The Pandora's Aquarium chat room welcomed Mike Lew M.Ed.to chat with male survivors in June 2010. Mike is author of the excellent and acclaimed books Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse and Leaping Upon the Mountains. Please click this link to see more about Mike's extensive work with male and female survivors of child sexual assault.
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jlandrith: Before we start, Steve and I would like to thank Mr. Lew for
taking the time to speak with us here at Pandy’s. We appreciate it!
Mike Lew: Hi everyone - please understand that I am new to this and also
a slow typist. Please bear with me. And call me Mike - Mr. Lew is far
too formal.
jlandrith: I read in your bio that you are both a cultural
anthropologist and psychotherapist. Given that you were an
anthropologist first, what prompted the interest in psychology?
Mike Lew: Well, it wasn't too big a leap, as my concentration was
psychological anthropology - also called culture and personality.
jlandrith: So the fields of study are closely linked?
Mike Lew: Yes, and over time I became more and more interested in
individuals and how they are influenced by their cultural environments.
jlandrith: What prompted your focus on trauma and male survivors, a
group often overlooked or outright ignored in recovery literature?
Mike Lew: I like to say that I had a double advantage: First was the
anthropological training that concentrates on listening to people's
experiences and perspectives and tries not to impose pre-judgment. The
second was that I had the advantage of being badly trained as a
counselor/therapist, so I didn't know the things that everyone else
seemed to know - for example I didn't know that boys aren't sexually
abused or that there are no women abusers. So when my clients (male and
female) talked about sexual abuse...I believed them!
jlandrith: I like the emphasis on what you didn't know. It is always
fascinating what a person can accomplish when they don't know something
that others take for granted.
Mike Lew: Yes, indeed. The next thing I did (this, by the way, is over
25 years ago) is what anyone does - I looked for information and
resources - and there was nothing that was helpful. All the information
was about men as abusers and women as victims. Very frustrating.
jlandrith: Tell us a little about the process that lead you to write the groundbreaking book Victims No Longer?
Mike Lew: Well, like much of my life, I stumbled into it without
conscious planning. I kept complaining about the lack of resources for
male survivors - even in the Boston area where there are resources and
groups for everything. When I finally tired of complaining, I started
the first therapy groups for male survivors in the Boston area. I knew
nothing, but fortunately male survivors are very generous and taught me
what I needed to know. I also spoke to anyone who would listen and
finally convinced Oprah's people to do the nation's first show on male
sexual victimization - me and three very courageous male survivors.
Remember, this was back in 1987, when it just wasn't talked about. When I
returned to Boston there was a message on my answering machine from an
editor/publisher in NYC wanting me to write a book. I declined, but he
talked me into it. Nine months later, Victims No Longer was born and my
life turned upside-down and inside-out. What a journey!
jlandrith: As you speak regularly to men and women all over the world,
have you noticed a common thread among male survivors and their
secondaries with regard to child sexual abuse?
Mike Lew: Absolutely. When people have been hurt in similar ways, there
is always overlap of the effects. Of course, it is also true that no two
survivors have exactly the same experience and needs in their recovery -
but the similarities are many. I've been spending a lot of time lately
thinking about specific needs of men in recovery - things that have been
staring me in the face for a long time, but I was slow to notice.
jlandrith: Would you care to elaborate on those needs Mike?
Mike Lew: Thought you'd never ask. In early days I wasted time insisting
that there were no essential differences in recovery for men and women.
Yeah, I know, but I'm not always the brightest bulb in the pack. Yes,
men and women are different and are socialized differently. I think that
traditional therapy and counseling have been female oriented and some
of men's strengths have been pathologized. I think there are many male
strengths that are of great use in recovery.
First, I am more and more convinced that isolation is the enemy of
recovery. Abuse takes place in isolation; recovery in the company of
others. But it is tricky, because isolation can feel a lot like safety.
Second, I don't think men join teams, etc. to remain isolated. I also
think that effective male resources are loud, profane, raucous,
irreverent, and juicy. These things are not always valued by traditional
therapeutic modalities.
I have witnessed (with awe) the ways in which male survivors support
each other in recovery - powerful commitment that transcends all the
superficial differences that we are told should keep us separate. Men
quickly move past distinctions of race, religion, class, education,
career, nationality, sexual orientation, age, etc. to focus on their
essential brotherhood and the needs of healing for themselves and their
brothers.
Steve: With respect to isolation, Personally Alone is safe. How would you combat this?
Mike Lew: Yes, Steve, alone can feel safe, but it is also lonely. I
never ask people to trust me (you know what a stupid statement that
would be). Reaching out to others is a tentative process. It is always a
risk and it is always a setback if someone doesn't justify your trust -
or just doesn't get it. But I suggest that you take your time, move
slowly, trust your instincts about people, but the power of connection
is enormous. Recovery is real, it matters (you matter) and happens in
the company of others.
Member question: What "additional" advice would you give to a survivor of mother-son abuse?
Mike Lew: I think although I don't believe in ranking abuse - all abuse
hurts and we are not competing for room at the bottom - there is a
specific injury from mother-son abuse because mothers are cultural
icons. A group of male survivors who have attended my weekend workshops
in Australia have come up with dividing families into "The Biologicals"
and "The Functionals." A person can belong to both groups, but
membership in the first doesn't automatically get them into the second -
and the functionals can be chosen family.
Member question: How important is confrontation to recovery?
Mike Lew: I have a big chapter on confrontation in VNL. I think that
confrontation is an important aspect of recovery for many survivors at
some point in their healing. But there are many forms, not necessarily
direct confrontation. What has to be confronted is the abuse and any
self-blame. For the rest, it is an individual decision.
Member question: I feel that I can learn a lot through comparison and
contrasting. There is mother/son (which is new for me), and where I
struggle is with is all the confusion surrounding co-existence of abuse
by uncle and incest with brother. Seems like it goes kinda silent with
co-existent resources/relevant info... any thoughts?
Mike Lew: This is exactly why I keep insisting that it is essential to
challenge and overcome isolation. There is tremendous power in shared
experience and mutual support. I can't tell you how many male survivors
have told me that they feel different, alien, less than. Being with
other brave, strong, creative, powerful men contradicts this
misinformation. No matter what the experience and feeling that is shared
in a group of survivors, there are others who understand and have felt
similarly. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS! That is why workshops, groups, and
forums like this are so important.
Mike Lew: I think I'm going to have to go soon, but I'd be happy to
return at another time. I hope this is helpful. There are also links to
many resources on my website: www.nextstepcounseling.org and you are
welcome to email me. There is a direct link on the site. Thanks for your
encouragement and commitment.
jlandrith: Mike, a member wanted to know how many male survivors fail to
report their abuse annually? What do you think the true statistics are?
Mike Lew: I have no idea of statistics - and don't think we will ever
have accurate numbers. I just know that the numbers are enormous for
reasons that you well know. But also more and more men are speaking up
and disclosing all the time. Things are changing.
Member question: I feel the best way for me in this recovery process is
to speak up publicly about my abuse. Do you have any thoughts or ideas
on whom best to talk to or contact? I am also starting an ASCA group in
August. I want to do more.
Mike Lew: By all means speak up and give back - but not at the expense
of your own recovery work. Get yourself in the best possible shape
first, and the rest will follow.
Member question: Is your book available to purchase in the UK?
Mike Lew: The UK edition is out of print, but the American version - the
improved, expanded second edition is available from Amazon.
Thanks again. Take care of your precious selves. Love and respect, Mike
jlandrith: Thank you so much Mike. It means more than you can know to have you here and sharing our space.
Steve: Thanks a lot for doing this, we really appreciate it.
Mike Lew: My pleasure, guys. Now I'm off to have my dinner. Cheers.
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